Life at Hogwarts
by Mademoiselle-Carl
Summary: A random little thing I decided to write. Involves detectiving, beans, and porridge. It's good for a laugh, I suppose. Please read and review!


_Okay I was getting kinda bored of my other fic so I decided to write a totally random fic that probably won't make any sense. Please don't throw computer chairs at me for not updating the other one. Anyway, onward!_

**Disclaimer:** I highly doubt J.K. Rowling could write something of this caliber. Not. Lol. Good times.

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Harry Potter woke up from a good night's sleep only to find an empty dormitory. Seeing as it was seven o'clock on a Saturday, it was unnatural to find the other boys already awake.

So, being the highly intelligent boy he was, he decided the best way to find the other boys was to look for them.

So he did.

And he found them.

In the common room.

Everyone was sitting in a worried, huddled group. They looked over at him, tears in their eyes.

"Harry," said Hermione, "There's been an attack."

"What? Who? Where?" (And When, and Why, BUT NOT HOW!) asked Harry.

"Ron. He's missing. There was a note." sobbed Hermione, thrusting the crumpled note in Harry's hand.

It read:

**I've got your friend, and his little picture of Hermione that he keeps under his pillow and kisses every night before he goes to bed too. And I'll only give them back if you do what I say! Send me 500 boxes of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans by tonight or I'll eat Hermione's picture! Mmmm Hermione! Send it here:**

**_Dumbledore's office, behind the gargoyle. The password is 'I KIDNAPPED RON! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!_**

**Remember, no beans, no Ron.**

**See you soon!**

**Dumbledore**

**P.S. Oh, and don't think you'll ever figure out who did it. I am incredibly gifted (meaning I'm smart) and you students are too dumb! So HAH!**

Harry looked at the group of crying people. He was very scared. He didn't want Hermione's picture to be eaten! That would be horrible! He knew he had to catch the evil person who did it, but he didn't have a clue of who it could be.

"I'll save him! Because this is a job for: The Boy Who Saves Kidnapped People! (meaning me)" Said Harry bravely, although he was not sure how he was going to go about saving Ron.

But no matter! Harry was determined he would rescue his best friend, and got straight on it.

"First," he informed the attentive crowd, "I shall look for clues in the place Ron was last known to be."

And so he headed back upstairs to the dormitory, with the formerly crying, now vaguely interested as though this whole thing was a soap opera, (which it most certainly is not!) crowd doggedly following his footsteps.

But upon entering the boys' dormitory, Harry decided he wished to be formerly decked out in his detective costume.

Harry Potter: Private Eye.

So he undressed, in front of everyone (Harry Potter doesn't believe in modesty it seems) giving the girls quite a treat, and thoroughly grossing out the majority of the males.

After changing, he finally began looking for clues.

But he didn't find any.

I would not recommend hiring Harry Potter as your detective. He's not very good at it.

"Oh bother! I can't find any clues!" exclaimed Harry, frustrated. "Now how am I going to find out who kidnapped Ron?"

"Um Harry?" A small voice piped up from the back, "Don't you think you should maybe—"

"Quiet you! I'm trying to concentrate!" interrupted the 'detective'. "I think I'll have to do some spying."

Harry Potter: Secret Agent.

So The Boy Who Saves Kidnapped People trudged out of the room, closely followed by the group of watchers.

But then the Breakfast Bell rang, so everyone went down to the Great Hall for some good eats.

Leaving Harry by himself.

Harry was scared.

But then he decided to brave it out, and go through with his plan of spying.

And that's how little Darcy Flowers in Hufflepuff nearly drowned in her porridge, after being knocked down by Harry who was lowering himself (albeit not very well) quite quickly into the hall. He was dressed from head to toe in black spandex (ewwwww!) and was talking into a microphone on his wrist.

I don't think he thought anyone could see or hear him,but he was very hard to miss. A black spandexed boy dangling from the ceiling? You'd have tobe more than a bit stupid to _not_ see him.

Consequently, his Secret Agent guise didn't work out very well either.

So that's why Hermione was put on the job. She wasn't as dense as Harry the Boy Who Saves Kidnapped People was.

Hermione bowed, quite proud to be the new head of the investigation, and exited the Great Hall. The people who were avidly watching (meaning everyone in the Great Hall) all got up and followed her.

Hermione did what any somewhat intelligent person would do. She went to the entrance to Dumbledore's office and said the password mentioned in the note. After shaking off the people who actually thought _she _was the one who kidnapped Ron, she entered the staircase.

And the people behind her pushed in after her, but the unlucky ones in the back unfortunately had to miss the entire show, seeing as there wasn't much room for them.

Hermione tentatively knocked on Dumbledore's door (that rhymes!) and was surprised to hear a muffled "_Finally!_" from inside.

It must have been Ron! Hermione threw open the heavy oak doors, fully prepared to curse the kidnapper.

But there wasn't anyone there! Just Ron, tied up with ropes, gagged, on the floor. She ran over to him just as Harry managed to bully everyone into moving out of his way (violence is never the answer children!) so he could get to the front.

Harry was very disgruntled because he wasn't the one that saved his friend, so he decided he was going to be the one that apprehended the kidnapper.

"Come out, come out, wherever you are!" he sang.

Surprisingly, the kidnapper did come out. Though not so much coming out than turning the chair around at the desk, revealing none other than—

"Dumbledore?" the majority of the crowd gasped.

"It was you all along?" asked Harry

"That was very unexpected." stated Hermione.

"Quite." said Harry.

"Where are my beans?" thundered Dumbledore

"You actually want 500 boxes of Bernie Bott's Every Flavour Beans?" asked a young girl from the crowd.

"Of course!" roared the Head Master. "Where are they?"

"We don't have any, sir." said Hermione timidly.

"YOU PEOPLE ARE USELESS! ABSOLUTELY WORTHLESS!"shrieked Dumblydore (very disturbing) "That's it! I'm angry now!" and with that, he devoured Hermione's picture, and smacked his lips.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" was the general reply from the crowd.

"I'm afraid you're acting quite atrociously Professor! Go to your room, and think about what you've done!" ordered Hermione.

"Fine!" cried Dumbledore. "Bully." could be heard as the dignified Head Master marched away.

And that was simply a day in the life of the students at Hogwarts.

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_Did you like it? If so, please review, if not review anyway! I love reviews! Skittles and chocolate to everybody who reviews! Please?_


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